I decided to type this journal entry as it appears in my journal.

In life we make many decisions, and though prayerfully, often times we do what we feel is best and the Lord opens doors when the decision is right.  As the decision pressed on my mind, whether to move to Minnesota before or after our baby’s birth I would find myself crying in fear, not knowing what could possibly be best as both decisions had large benefits and large drawbacks.

After I had been praying sometime about whether we should move to Minnesota before or after the baby’s birth, I finally realized what the desires of my heart were.  First, and most poignant, I realized how very important it was to me to have everyone be able to visit me and see the baby and to come to the baby blessing.  To take my mother in law up on her wonderful offer to watch the kids while Riley left for the bar and enjoy the tranquility of less stress and maybe just some time with baby and I; to have my mom so close and ready to come in the chance Riley wasn’t there for the birth.  To lounge on the beach of Bear Lake a few times, to go out to Monticello for a few trips.  This family time, love and support I realized was the top priority of my heart.

I realized secondly, whether selfish or not, that my projects came second priority.  I had made a map of getting my foam suits sewn for Emergency Preparedness so that I could move my family to such a cold climate with more faith that we’d never freeze.  To then treat myself to covering both my couches, and then to knit during my last trimester wool mittens.  I would have my packing all done on a slow and steady basis to relieve stress and physical strain.

Thirdly, and sometimes these considerations were volatile, but the issue of money, and cheaper rent here, somewhat of an income, and a cheaper birthing plan.

After realizing these three priorities I talked to Riley about them, and he realized he too wanted to stay through till after the birth.  His top priority was in taking the bar without distraction and it brought great peace to him in knowing that if I was to go into labor while he was taking the bar, that I would be fully taken care of by both moms.

Secondly, Riley’s priority was spending time with family and he really wanted to invest a good chunk of time to this priority before we left for far away.

So after making this decision and letting it rest with us over a week or two, I prayed about it in our nightly prayer.  We told the Lord that we felt really good about this decision and that it brought us great peace.  My dear friend from Canada had recently told me she could come visit if we stayed later and this was the final kicker for me and I was ready to take the decision to the Lord.

I prayed and told the Lord that this was our decision, and that he would fill us with peace if this decision were right for us.  I asked that if there were considerations we weren’t considering that He would bring those to the forefront for us.

Well, as it turned out, our decision went back to the drawing board.  That next night a friend gave us a new bed.  We were thankful to move Hazel out of the crib, Rawl up a notch to the top bunk, and give Milly the new bed, to prepare for baby coming.  Well, that night, though Milly was initially excited, we were up for a series of tantrums, that night, every night that week, during every meal, and at every turn.  I began to wonder if Heavenly Father hadn’t given us this experience as I had asked for considerations we should equate with our move.  All this was incited by one small change, the change of a bed.  I began to feel I couldn’t bear all the changes at one time with on top of it all, a child dealing with multiple life changes who had a very difficult time with transitions.  This last year I have been so happy, healthy, stable and pro-active.   I have tried to prepare myself for the challenges ahead, including my own shift in hormones, but have looked at things in a fairly optimistic light.  This occurrence put me in touch with reality in my own capabilities.  So over the next couple weeks, I began to consider seriously moving sooner.  Finally I was ready to ask the Lord if this bed experience was indeed put in our path to help us fully consider the outcomes in a realistic light.

I began to have fear again, knowing it may be a long time till I got a confirmation of the Lord, and just not knowing what would be best was scary.  I also wondered if I was blowing this bed consideration out of proportion, when no matter what we chose, the transitions would be difficult.  The enticements of staying were working on me and I began to become edgier and edgier.  One morning as I woke up with a feeling of unrest and fear, I realized that the Lord would answer in His time, but that He couldn’t answer at all until I had faith.  So I mustered up some trust in Him and in His time table.

Surprisingly, the Lord just wanted me to demonstrate a particle of faith, because that morning as I was about to mop the floor, I felt a peaceful feeling that if I went now to my bedroom to pray, that the answer would be there for me.  I wondered if this could be just my own thoughts or what, but I obeyed and went to my room.

I told the Lord that I had changed my decision.  At first as I prayed I felt good about both decisions.  I remembered I had made a decision and as I prayed specifically about my decision, the Lord put a huge realization into my mind.  Up until now, I realized that the priority which should be the very highest, was hardly pervading on my list.  That was opening the door of opportunity wider that Riley could be there at the birth, as with plane and travel time, moving to Minnesota would give us two more day and nights that he could be near by.  As I prayed I pictured my husband at our births and how lovingly he embraced our babies for the first time.  I realized it was my responsibility to sacrifice and do all I could do humanly that Riley could be there, and that the Lord could see that sacrifice and if it were His will, bring the baby at a time that Riley would be there.  As I pictured Riley hugging our babies, a warm feeling of peace came and told me that this decision to move early was best.  Secondly, I felt the second priority needed to be in creating the atmosphere that would best lend itself to a feeling of welcoming, peace and anticipation for this new born gift that will soon come.  Hence I felt that leaving sooner as hard as it would be in most respects, was the best option for our family.

The next Sunday when Riley fasted, he told me that he too felt this decision was right.

The decision to move even earlier yet came when I realized if we were going to go earlier to help transition time, that we needed a month to unpack and a month to just live with different surroundings if we are all going to be able to become more emotionally stable before baby came.  I also want to be able to homeschool this year, but know that if we can’t reach a state of stability it won’t be possible if I or the children aren’t ready, then we won’t be able to go that route. I began to feel quite selfish in this but as I prayed again about it, to see if I was just being selfish and needed to bend for other important needs, I felt the Lord sanctioned my judgement and although I wish we were just better at change and adjustment (certain women and girls of our family) I feel that if we prepare in the best ways we can and move forward with faith, then this can still be a joyful time amongst all the sad good byes and scary hellos.

My heart does break to say good bye to family, friends, and missed opportunities.  Thank you for all your love and support and know how much it means to us!  :)  God be with us all till we meet again, each time we part!